free your mind...

9:32 a.m., 2003-05-23

30-39 Points�You are Neo.

You and the Matrix have become so close that you're beginning to feel like you're actually a part of it--and you may be right. Thankfully, you still have a choice in front of you: accept your fate as a part of the machine that has taken over your life--or reject it, and the role you play in its continued destruction of humanity. Choose wisely--for in your hands lie not only your own (social) life, but also that of the few remaining people around you who the Matrix has not already taken.

KEY:
No. 1 answers are worth one point;
No. 2 answers are worth two points;
No. 3 answers are worth three points;
No. 4 answers are worth four points;
No. 5 answers are worth five points.

A) What were your expectations before walking into the theater?

1. According to the law of cinematic trilogies�and, of course, taking into account the rare Godfather Part II and Episode V�The Empire Strikes Back exceptions�the second film is usually the worst.
   
2. I'm skeptical. It's always a bad sign when a movie is featured in a Heineken ad.
   
3. I'm following the rule of "Expect Less, Receive More."
   
4. Well, I liked the first one, so the sequel should be even better, right? Right?
   
5. I haven't been this excited about the near-simultaneous release of parts II and III of a trilogy since the Back to the Future series. And those movies were great!
   

B) Who is your favorite Human Character?

1. Commander Lock�I really think that Niobe is going to come back to him.
   
2. Niobe�Some things never change, and some things do, but Jada Pinkett Smith will always be hot.
   
3. Trinity�Marry me. Please.
   
4. Morpheus�Any man who can deliver an inspirational Warriors-esque speech that drives an entire city into an orgiastic dance party is all right in my book. "Caaaaan yooooou diiiiig iiiit?"
   
5. Neo�I mean, he's The One! Or is he actually just the personification of the inherent flaws within the Matrix? Either way, he was definitely Ted "Theodore" Logan, which is good enough for me.
   

C) Who is your favorite Program Character(s)?

1. The Milli Vanilli Twins�When they blew up, I felt like singing "I'm Gonna Miss You."
   
2. The French Dude�I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your name. I was staring at your wife's breasts.
   
3. Agent Smith�OK, so even with a hundred duplicates of himself he still got his obsolete ass kicked by Neo. I just like it when he says "MIS-ter AN-der-son."
   
4. The Keymaker�Yes, I was one of the audience members who gasped when he got shot in the end.
   
5. The Oracle/Architect�The Matrix's Mommy and Daddy, bringers of predicable bad news and obligatory plot twists.
   

D) What was your favorite part of The Matrix Reloaded?

1. One of the parts when someone talked.
   
2. One of the parts when someone jumped up in slow motion, the camera spun around, and then things sped up again.
   
3. The extended Zion rave/sex sequence�Bring on the nekkid people!
   
4. Neo vs. Agent Smith(s)�Too bad Neo wimped out and flew away. What, can't The One handle a few (hundred) agents?
   
5. The freeway sequence�Best chase scene since The French Connection.
   

E) Umm...excuse me. What's going on with the Cake Lady?

1. Does that poor woman have indigestion or something?
   
2. Wow, look at how much she's enjoying that slice. That French dude must be quite the pastry chef!
   
3. Close your eyes, son! Close your eyes!
   
4. Holy cyber-tastic cake-induced orgasm, Batman!
   
5. Merovingian, you may think you're pulling a fast one�but Persephone knows which bathroom you're really heading to, you dirty dog. You will pay the price for your lustful indiscretion!
   

F) Dude, were those special effects awesome or what?

1. Ho-hum. Bullet Time is sooo 1999.
   
2. Hmmm...the success of a movie about mankind trying to free itself from machines is more dependent on the use of computer technology than human actors. How very ironic.
   
3. You know, I read on the Internet that the actors/actresses in the Matrix series always wear sunglasses because CGI animators still can't get human eyes to look realistic�as if anything else did.
   
4. Totally! Look at all those Agent Smiths! How'd they do that?
   
5. Although the computer-generated special effects make themselves painfully obvious during several action sequences, one must keep in mind that these scenes actually take place within a computer-generated world. Thus, they are all the more appropriate.
   

G) Wait, was all that new-age babbling actually supposed to mean something?

1. I don't know�I fell asleep every time a character opened his mouth.
   
2. Probably, but I have no idea what the hell these people are talking about anymore.
   
3. Maybe, but who cares? Less talk, more latex and ass-kicking. Thank you.
   
4. I think so�Perhaps the oft-mentioned concepts of "purpose" and "choice" will play an important part in Neo's journey before the series is over...
   
5. Of course�It means that the Wachowski brothers think that giving every character an extended monologue to clearly define his motivation, beliefs, and relationship to the storyline somehow serves as character development. It works for me!
   

H) What is the Matrix?

1. Well, it's no Lord of the Rings, I'll tell you that.
2. A video game poorly disguised as a film.
   
3. A blockbuster franchise ripe with product placement, promotional tie-ins, and action-figure-sales potential.
   
4. As is clearly explained in the first film, the Matrix is an artificial reality constructed by machines in order to keep human beings under their control. Duh!
   
5. You already know what the Matrix is. Now you need to understand why the Matrix is.
   

Take the Red Pill and see how you score.

I blatantly stole this from Matthew Borlik of the Washington City Paper. you should go read that now, because it has a cool webmaster, and Cotton Candy is always funny.

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